From smoker to non-smoker feels like a Herculean task. “I went digging in the bin in my room for the pack of cigarettes.” And that’s when I knew I had to shut the habit down. (Photo: Carlos Andrés Mazorra Ortiz/Flickr)

I was a smoker for about 8 years when I finally decided to stop. And not the, ‘Oh, I really need to stop.’ kind of quitting. More the version where you really stop. For good. Forever. But it was a long journey that started when I was at university and ended when I was doing a border run in Malaysia. So in as few words as possible. This is; how I started, how I thought of stopping, and finally how I actually stopped.

How it, the smoking, started

I can recall the exact day and place and mood when I started. I can also when I bought my first pack and thought to myself – I might become addicted. To which I just shrugged and said I will deal with it when I get there.

It all started while I was at university. A friend and I were studying together. I’d just arrived at the study hall but I was already tired of studying. I always felt like this at the university. Regardless of that my friend invited me to join him for a smoke break outside. So, I did. At first I just joined him and we chat about life and whatever test was coming up. It was constructive. But then the deeper we got into the term and the more stressed piled on and on during our study sessions – the more my willpower buckled.

So, I did.

At first, I just joined him and we chat about life and whatever test was coming up. It was constructive. But then the deeper we got into the term and the more stressed piled on and on during our study sessions – the more my willpower buckled.

I took, drag.

Then I took two.

Then I asked for a cigarette.

Then I bought my own pack.

Now from the first drag till I bought myself a pack took quite some time. But the addiction slowly grew and I ended up smoking more than ten a day. And later. More than twenty.

And so, it went on and on and I forgot how it felt to not have smoke in my lungs.

The thousand times I thought of quitting

I think I immediately regretted starting in the first place. But everyone was doing it. I know. It sounds so cliched but it is completely true. Step onto most university campuses and you will see overcaffeinated students with cigarettes running around frantically. At least this is the case for my university in South Africa.

So, I started thinking of quitting. I mean almost every day. And it was that typical half-assed thought.

Like, ‘Oh I really should stop because this is bad for my health.’

You know what I am talking about. That pitiful excuse of an apology you give yourself to soothe the guilt. I tried every birthday. Then I tried at Christmas. Then me and my friends swore we would quit together. Then we were only allowed to smoke when we drank. Then, then, then. The thens just grew more complex and less and less committed to.

How, or rather when, I actually stopped smoking

Fast forward to about eight years later and crazy amounts of money wasted. I was trying the olde quit smoking schtick one more time. Me and my cousin swore that we would keep each other in check and that we would report daily if we actually smoked or not.

Guess what happened.

We lasted about ten days, my cousin lasted longer, but we both ended up starting again. And I just love/hate the level of guilt we lapsed into. We both lied and tried to cover our tracks regarding smoking. It was insane. I mean we are two grown men acting like our parents shouldn’t find out about it or something.

I digress.

I moved back to Thailand, and I still kept on smoking. I actually smoked more than I had ever smoked my entire life. Like I would smoke nearly forty cigarettes a day.

But then, rather suddenly, and unexpectedly it all changed.

I actually thought I was going to die a smoker, but then for some reason, it just clicked.

Here’s what happened that time:

I went on a border run to Malaysia and thought about quitting again. But I still bought a pack and smoked and smoked and smoked. But then I threw away my half-smoked pack.

It’s not like I have never done this.

After I threw the pack away I watched some smoking cessation hypnosis video on Youtube, I scanned Allen Carr’s book on quitting smoking, and I phoned my cousin again. (For more from Allen Carr)

When I phoned him I felt like a cigarette again. Even though I told him that I stopped and that this time it would be for good. But then I did something that I think was the thing that finally settled the matter.

I went digging in the bin in my room for the pack of cigarettes. And I didn’t do it once, I did it a few times during our call, because I kept on throwing the cigarettes away after I smoked.

It was as I was doing this that I was staring at myself mouth agape and just totally aghast. Like seriously was this where I was at. And then something clicked and changed.

I downloaded an app called Quit Tracker and I just stopped.

It has been about five months of no smoking. And I won’t say that I feel energetic or better than I have ever felt.

I just don’t feel super shitty anymore.

 

#Feel iT